Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I'm so sorry I haven't been posting, or supporting you girls, or anything. Everything is a bit of a mess, really, but at least I'm losing weight.

Monday, August 17, 2009


All the weird weight was gone yesterday, and more had come off this morning. Today I've eaten way too much, though, so I guess I'll be punished tomorrow... Sigh.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Well, no need to be worried about me, my weight is up again. I don't get it. I haven't eaten too much, my the numbers seem to be living a life of their own. I hate my body.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

black coffee

When I go to sleep feeling hungry I know I'm fine.

When I get through the day drinking coffee I know I'm safe.

Everything else scares me.

Monday, August 10, 2009


If I stop now this has been a good day.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


Last night a friend I haven't seen for a while asked me if I've got breast implants. I wanted to die. What the fuck? I know I'm fat, but I still don't really think she should have the right to say something like that. But I made up my mind then and there, this is coming off, once and for all.

oh really?

I hate myself. I hate everything about this disgusting body that supposedly belongs to me. If I can't get rid of it, I have to change it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I don't understand why people think they have the right to comment on other people's weight. I'm so tired of that, and of everything else too, really. I've lost all touch with my body, I can't tell if I'm growing or shrinking or what, I only see fat hanging from every part of me without knowing what it means.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

sophia <3

I'm still here. I don't know what to say, really, so I'll let Sophia Ruins do the talking. This blog entry is one of the most insightful and important I've ever read.

Go ahead and read it, because girls, you deserve life and happiness, not sadness and sickness. <3

Friday, July 24, 2009


Nothing is okay. I'm such a hopeless heap of FAT, everybody is staring at me, pointing at me, laughing at me, haha, there goes the fat one, the failure, the one that lost weight and gained weight and lost some more and gained some more and at the end of the day always is the fattest ugliest girl in the room.

I'm so tired, sad and... well, broken. It sounds stupid but that's what I feel like. I can't go on living in a body that keeps betraying me.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

skin, bones, fat, time

Today I was told I'm too skinny. Thank goodness. If nobody says I'm too skinny it means I'm fat. I'm not really too thin, or actually even thin, though. Everybody plays the same game as I do, trying to make me gain weight so that they themselves would be thinner in comparison.

I'm tired, yet high on sugar. Fat sugar fat sugar fat sugar. Me.

Monday, July 20, 2009

a year of nothing

This morning was exactly the same as one year ago. How ridiculous is that. On the other hand I wasn't too fat then, and I always lose weight in the fall. Starting over, then... Sigh.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Thank you sweethearts for your comments, support and concern. It means so much to me to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry I haven't really commented on your blogs lately, I'm just too tired and sad all the time.

If only I'd be thin I'd be happy and strong again. No wait, that's a lie. Or is it? I don't know what's real or not anymore.

I eat like a pig, and consequently look like one.

Monday, July 13, 2009


I've gotten some comments that really prove how fat I am (IRL, not here). I'm devastated. I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I'd never have to meet anybody ever again. I don't want anybody to see me, to see this huge pile of fat that supposedly is my body. I'm so ashamed.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I can't live like this anymore. I HATE MY BODY. I'm the ugliest person in the world.

Friday, July 10, 2009

body shapes

Out of these shapes, which one do you girls think resembles you the most? I wish I was the "soft-straight" but I'm afraid I'm the "soft-curved"...

Monday, July 6, 2009


Weight stable, Nadja unstable.

Thanks for being there, girls. It means so much to me.

Sunday, July 5, 2009


My weight is down, my fatness is up. Started crying at the supermarket after having wandered around for almost an hour, trying to decide what to buy. I hate my body. I hate hate hate it.

Julia, you have no idea how much I love you for caring and telling me what you think. I don't want to do the pro-ana thing either. I just don't know what do with this huge body that seems to be too large for this world.

Me at the supermarket.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I've eaten so much these last two days. Not binge-much, but too much anyway. How I hate that split-second when I think "well, fuck it, I've screwed up anyway" and go on eating when I really really shouldn't. There's no logic to it! Even if I've screwed up it doesn't help one single bit to keep eating and screwing up even more. Sigh.

I'm so tired of all of this. Of myself, and my ugly body, that is.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


I have to have to have to have to lose more weight. I've lost some but I need to lose more.

I have a plan: If I never allow my BMI go above 18.5 (and absolutely not 19), then I'll be somewhat safe. And if I never ever ever in my entire life let it go above 20, I won't be fat even when I'm old. I don't want to have kids, so I wont be able to use that as an excuse either.

p.s. Thank you for all your sweet comments on the last post. Julia, I know you're right, but that's why I'm trying to eat 1200.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's not fasting! It sometimes makes me feel like such a failure to read your blogs when so many of you get by on little or no food. But, I don't want to be anorexic, sick or dead, and to live you have to eat, so I guess this is what works for me.

I try to eat 1000-1300 cals every day, and if I'd always stick to that it should make me thin enough. (Or should it? Suddenly I feel so ashamed of that number, that it's too much, that it should be less, that I should be stronger, better. But I don't want to develop an eating disorder! I want to live and be strong and happy! I just want to be thin enough not to hate myself).