hunger hurts, starving works

back

2009-09-02T01:34:00.001-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't been posting, or supporting you girls, or anything. Everything is a bit of a mess, really, but at least I'm losing weight.

water

2009-08-17T12:36:00.000-07:00

All the weird weight was gone yesterday, and more had come off this morning. Today I've eaten way too much, though, so I guess I'll be punished tomorrow... Sigh.

up

2009-08-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

Well, no need to be worried about me, my weight is up again. I don't get it. I haven't eaten too much, my the numbers seem to be living a life of their own. I hate my body.

black coffee

2009-08-12T03:47:00.000-07:00

When I go to sleep feeling hungry I know I'm fine.

When I get through the day drinking coffee I know I'm safe.

Everything else scares me.

stop

2009-08-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

If I stop now this has been a good day.

curves?

2009-08-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

Last night a friend I haven't seen for a while asked me if I've got breast implants. I wanted to die. What the fuck? I know I'm fat, but I still don't really think she should have the right to say something like that. But I made up my mind then and there, this is coming off, once and for all.

oh really?

I hate myself. I hate everything about this disgusting body that supposedly belongs to me. If I can't get rid of it, I have to change it.

2009-08-04T10:22:00.001-07:00

I don't understand why people think they have the right to comment on other people's weight. I'm so tired of that, and of everything else too, really. I've lost all touch with my body, I can't tell if I'm growing or shrinking or what, I only see fat hanging from every part of me without knowing what it means.

sophia <3

2009-07-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

I'm still here. I don't know what to say, really, so I'll let Sophia Ruins do the talking. This blog entry is one of the most insightful and important I've ever read.

Go ahead and read it, because girls, you deserve life and happiness, not sadness and sickness. <3

fatfatfatfatfat

2009-07-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing is okay. I'm such a hopeless heap of FAT, everybody is staring at me, pointing at me, laughing at me, haha, there goes the fat one, the failure, the one that lost weight and gained weight and lost some more and gained some more and at the end of the day always is the fattest ugliest girl in the room.

I'm so tired, sad and... well, broken. It sounds stupid but that's what I feel like. I can't go on living in a body that keeps betraying me.

skin, bones, fat, time

2009-07-22T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today I was told I'm too skinny. Thank goodness. If nobody says I'm too skinny it means I'm fat. I'm not really too thin, or actually even thin, though. Everybody plays the same game as I do, trying to make me gain weight so that they themselves would be thinner in comparison.

I'm tired, yet high on sugar. Fat sugar fat sugar fat sugar. Me.

a year of nothing

2009-07-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

This morning was exactly the same as one year ago. How ridiculous is that. On the other hand I wasn't too fat then, and I always lose weight in the fall. Starting over, then... Sigh.

pig

2009-07-15T02:02:00.000-07:00

Thank you sweethearts for your comments, support and concern. It means so much to me to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry I haven't really commented on your blogs lately, I'm just too tired and sad all the time.

If only I'd be thin I'd be happy and strong again. No wait, that's a lie. Or is it? I don't know what's real or not anymore.

I eat like a pig, and consequently look like one.

XL

2009-07-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

I've gotten some comments that really prove how fat I am (IRL, not here). I'm devastated. I don't know what to do with myself. I wish I'd never have to meet anybody ever again. I don't want anybody to see me, to see this huge pile of fat that supposedly is my body. I'm so ashamed.

2009-07-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

I can't live like this anymore. I HATE MY BODY. I'm the ugliest person in the world.

body shapes

2009-07-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

Out of these shapes, which one do you girls think resembles you the most? I wish I was the "soft-straight" but I'm afraid I'm the "soft-curved"...

tired

2009-07-06T07:43:00.001-07:00

Weight stable, Nadja unstable.

Thanks for being there, girls. It means so much to me.

food

2009-07-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

My weight is down, my fatness is up. Started crying at the supermarket after having wandered around for almost an hour, trying to decide what to buy. I hate my body. I hate hate hate it.

Julia, you have no idea how much I love you for caring and telling me what you think. I don't want to do the pro-ana thing either. I just don't know what do with this huge body that seems to be too large for this world.

Me at the supermarket.

screw-up

2009-07-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

I've eaten so much these last two days. Not binge-much, but too much anyway. How I hate that split-second when I think "well, fuck it, I've screwed up anyway" and go on eating when I really really shouldn't. There's no logic to it! Even if I've screwed up it doesn't help one single bit to keep eating and screwing up even more. Sigh.

I'm so tired of all of this. Of myself, and my ugly body, that is.

bmi

2009-07-01T05:11:00.001-07:00

I have to have to have to have to lose more weight. I've lost some but I need to lose more.

I have a plan: If I never allow my BMI go above 18.5 (and absolutely not 19), then I'll be somewhat safe. And if I never ever ever in my entire life let it go above 20, I won't be fat even when I'm old. I don't want to have kids, so I wont be able to use that as an excuse either.

p.s. Thank you for all your sweet comments on the last post. Julia, I know you're right, but that's why I'm trying to eat 1200.

restriction?

2009-06-28T05:01:00.000-07:00

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who's not fasting! It sometimes makes me feel like such a failure to read your blogs when so many of you get by on little or no food. But, I don't want to be anorexic, sick or dead, and to live you have to eat, so I guess this is what works for me.

I try to eat 1000-1300 cals every day, and if I'd always stick to that it should make me thin enough. (Or should it? Suddenly I feel so ashamed of that number, that it's too much, that it should be less, that I should be stronger, better. But I don't want to develop an eating disorder! I want to live and be strong and happy! I just want to be thin enough not to hate myself).

dream

2009-06-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you girls, for being there. All your comments mean a lot to me, and the fact that you're following my blog.

I had a dream last night where one of you told me I can't have an eating disorder since I never fast (for you new readers: I never fast or restrict too much, because it only makes me binge).

I've removed all info about my weight from this blog, but if I lose a little more my BMI will go back under 18.5 (thank goodness).

What a stupid post this turned out to be. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm so tired, like always.

naturally skinny, anyone?

2009-06-25T04:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm the one on the left. NOT.

Last night a girl I've only known for a short while told me how much she envies me for being so "naturally skinny", and "having such an uncomplicated relationship to food and eating".

I wanted to punch her in the face. I smiled and said "yes".

I am a horrible person. The only reason I pretend I eat a lot and don't care about my weight is that I hope it will catch on, and my friends won't be so skinny anymore. I know how awful it is, how awful I am. But I'm so ashamed of my body, so ashamed of being fatter than everybody else.

hate

2009-06-23T00:32:00.000-07:00

I hate myself. The mirror and the scale tell two different stories. I'm too fat to leave the house. No clothe, no darkness can hide this.

2009-06-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have to be thin. If I'm not thin I'm nothing. I'm no one. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate my body. I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT OR I'LL LOSE MYSELF.

2009-06-16T01:06:00.001-07:00

Losing weight. Looking at pictures of my awful fat self apparently works.

2009-06-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy to be back! I still asking myself the same questions, I still thing eating disorders are dangerous and sad, but... I simply can't be this fat. It's not worth it. I can't live my life hating and being ashamed of my body all the goddamn time. I need to be thin and toned enough to at least feel okay, to be able to live my life within this body.

This morning my weight was down. Not low enough, at all, but at the low end of fat.

i'm back

2009-06-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't know what the hell I was trying to prove, and I don't care, but today I needed some photos taken of me (I'm selling some clothes on Ebay, and one of the shirts was impossible to photograph properly if I didn't wear it), and I LOOK LIKE A PIG. I AM SO FAT THAT NO WORDS ARE ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE IT. Fuckfuckfuck. I can't begin to describe how AWFUL and UGLY I looked in those pics (needless to say, someone else will have to model for me, or I'll never sell the shirt).

I'm so so so so so so disgusted and horrified and sad and disappointed and freaked out right now. I have to lose this weight, now. I'll keep the pics, and whenever I'm tempted to binge or eat stupid shit I'll look at them. I'm serious. They're that disgusting. (I'm that disgusting).

to all my beautiful girls

2009-06-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

Goodbye for now. I don't know when or if I'll be back, but I need to figure out who I am, and what happiness is, and what it all means to me and to the people I love. The sad truth is that eating disorders don't make us beautiful and strong and happy, they make us weak, lonely, and unhappy. There is no dream weight at which things will be okay, because the more weight we lose, the sicker and more isolated we become. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm afraid I've been looking in all the wrong places.

I wish you all health, love, light, and happiness. You girls are nothing but wonderful. Take care of yourselves, you deserve it.